My eight-year old son went back to school this week. There is a lot
of talk in the neighborhood about which teacher gives the most homework
and how different third grade is from second grade. They will learn
multiplication tables and how to write in cursive (not sure why they
don't give touch typing lessons instead) along with so much new
information. It got me thinking about how much time we spend in our
lives getting an academic education. I was in school for twenty years,
and even now, fifteen years out of university I still frequently take
courses when I can. However, there isn't any obligatory, state-funded
emotional education to navigate the stressful waters we sail in during
our lives. By keeping that in mind perhaps you can forgive yourself when
you find yourself reaching for food to deal with stress (or boredom, or
anger, or loneliness, or grief, or sadness or any other feeling)
instead of having the skills to handle those feelings head-on.
How
can we start to give ourselves, and each other, the emotional education
we didn't receive in school so we can fulfill ourselves instead of
filling ourselves with food?
1. IDENTIFY -- First
off, learn how to identify what you're feeling. Many of us don't even
know what's going on for us, we just feel uncomfortable and want it to
go away. I can't tell you how many people tell me what an epiphany they
had when they realized they weren't hungry but tired and how they've
since learned to simply put themselves to bed rather than eat at night.
Start to identify what you feel. Are you angry? Tired? Bored? Do you
need validation? Affection? Help?
2. RESPOND -
Start to make associations about which feelings need which responses. I
often say that feelings are like weather. They are a naturally occurring
part of living in the world. There is rain. Sun. And storm. If you live
in a place with less than idyllic weather, you have to learn what kind
of coat, shoes, gloves and hat can get you through the day comfortably.
You know you need an umbrella when it rains or sunblock when it's
bright. Feelings are no different. As adults (and we can teach this to
our children too), we need to know what we need when we're sad.
Overwhelmed. Anxious. By understanding what we really need when these
inevitable changes in mood occur, we can offer ourselves real comfort,
real understanding and real responses to real needs rather than simply
eating to survive the feeling until the next time.
3. PLAN AHEAD
- As you come to identify your feelings and know what you need to
respond to them, you can plan ahead. If you know that Sunday nights make
you anxious because the work week is the next day, you can have a
ritual that makes Sunday night easier. For instance, a yoga class, a
board game with the family, a bath and meditation. If you know that you
get anxious and overwhelmed when the kids need to be put to bed, you can
devise a system that makes it easier or ask for help.
